FRENCH WORD-A-DAY

Me too. I think I am what the French call "sauvage". I really like to be alone most of the time and don't get into the constant dinner partying going around me. I don't blab on the telephone all day. I do have friends I like to see and I do like occasional visitors or going out...just not all the time.

I also don't like the unannounced visitor, but I extend it to the telephone. I often get in "trouble" with my wife when she comes home and there's a message. "Why didn't you answer the phone?" she asks, "because it wasn't for me" I answer, "...but you could've taken a message" she responds, "but the answering machine took the message" I respond - not always a winning argument.

Kristin, this one hit home for me. Although I had a very public occupation (teaching high school) which I loved, I find that I prefer my own company and my own house, my own children,grandchildren, as I get older. I fight this inner man all the time by stayng in prayer, being active in my church and friendly to my neighbors. The surprise? With God's grace, it works! I am finding balance! You will, too. P.S. That's a favorite verse, and it too is true.

I tend to put heavy hospitable weight upon myself. I feel that all outward appearances surrounding the house - cleanliness of the kitchen, bathroom, laundry & yard - reflect upon me. Therefore a guest means work to me. I'm trying to ease up on this by telling myself that everyone lives with mess.

You probably need a space to go to in your home to get away, Kristin.

Punch, this link will give you instructions on how to type accents on a PC:

http://french.about.com/od/writing/ss/typeaccents_7.htm

Any other OS, try looking here:

http://french.about.com/od/writing/ss/typeaccents.htm

Some people need lots of company and seek out others. Some people enjoy solitude. It is good when you can finally accept yourself and not feel like you are bad because you are not one of the social ones. When you accept this, you will learn about so many others who share this feeling and that it is normal.
Sharon S.
PS. Just returned from spending three days in Paris alone instead of with my group. Loved every minute. Joyful even in rain.

I am right with you, Kristin! Every time life nudges me toward being more "out there," more open to strangers, it takes everything I have to follow along. And life seems to nudge this way a LOT. It's so nice to know (many) others feel this way.

Hi Kristin,

INHOSPITALIER / inhospitalière means “pas accueillant" ('not welcoming')
Can this adjective be applied to you? Noooo... surely not! Can I think of you as "une hôtesse inhospitalière"? Not really! Is the writer playing a trick?... probably not! The truth is...

A rough, austere and dangerous area may be "inhospitalier/inhospitalière".
A crumbling house may be "inhabitable" (deplorable living conditions. The people who live in it, (or the people who live in a beautiful house) may or may not be "hospitaliers" towards strangers who come unexpectibly and end up disturbing their life... Unfamiliar faces may not be welcome... Yes, this is possible...

Kristin, you certainly give us the impression your husband is "très vivable" (bon caractère, affable, courtois, facile à vivre) and surely très "hospitalier" towards visitors. I would rather believe your good nature makes you "une hôtesse très hospitalière".

I think it is quite inconsiderate to turn up along your drive and at your door step without any warning or arrangement with you "au préalable" ('before hand'). In this case, I certainly share the inward growling feeling when you heard the car of the unexpected visitor at a time when you were in good company and would have preferred not to be disturbed. I would have thought it didn't take you long to disguise the uneasiness you felt at the time, with a sort of surimposed smile and a few words! Hmmm

What a (lovely) surprise for the reader! Here we are, gently introduced to this 'little house mouse' inside you! I visualised the scene as if I was reading a marvellous tale for children--and grown-ups! I wanted "la p'tit' souris" to get quickly reassured and pull you towards the 'unexpected visitor', with a confident and genuine smile - the perfect hostess displaying her sense of "hospitalité".

Was your "visiteur inattendu" an angel in disguise?

Thank you for your thoughts on the "drop by" topic.

Newforest, thank you for more info on "inhospitalier" -- and more :-)

And to those who asked about who stopped by... yes, we will be meeting an angel soon!

PS
1) Top photo: "une marquise multicolore". Lively and friendly colours of the glass on the top, with intention to welcome the visitors! ("visiteurs attendus -et- visiteurs inattendus" -> 'expected -and- unexpected visitors')

2) Sale online of Second edition of FWAD, Summer stories 2009: THE DISCOUNT.
I was very pleased to see a few days ago you managed to arrange the discount in two extra currencies, so, I immediately clicked on (£) and at the end, typed the code you provided. My order is on the way!
Excellent time to take advantage of the discount, so, mille mercis for all arrangements.

I think the ungraciousness within us is often a defense mechanism that goes back to our prehistoric roots; back in the “eat or be eaten” world. Some of us are closer to those prehistoric roots than others.

I spent a year in France shortly after WWII and, at that time, the French people were very cold to outsiders because of their experiences with the German invasion. They became that way out of necessity. Jean-Marc obviously has overcome this trait.

In today’s uncertain world, however, a little caution may be a prudent necessity.

Hi Kristin,

This story appealed to me in a big way. I used to be the most extroverted outgoing person around. People called me the mayor. I lived in France for 4 years, and I had a baby, so ended up spending lots of time alone. At first it was hard, but I enjoy my own company, so I got used to it. My husband is an introvert, so maybe I picked up some of his energy. But, I find as I get older (and work full time with a 6 year old child), my need to continue my calmer lifestyle has continued on. I knew no boundaries, and am only really just learning how to set them now.

So, I find myself cringing when the phone rings, I decline big parties and reunions. I had many different circles of friends, that have dwindled down to a chosen few. Maybe I also find that I am tired of drama, and being extroverted had me surrounded by much. I just want peace and quiet now.

The weekends, I want to clean a bit, and spend time with my husband and daughter, and maybe see a friend here and there.

I almost feel like I am being intruded upon when the phone rings or the bell rings. How can someone change so much? I too leave the answering machine on, and call back when I feel like I am able to talk. I find myself not wanting to "chat" all the time like I used to. At 47, maybe this is a part of maturing and getting older, not sure. But, I do have to struggle now to find balance, and not alienate those that are close to me.

So, I guess you are not alone..... :)

My pet peeve is drop in company. I like the house and inhabitants to look relatively tidy when people come by. Most family and friends know about this. One friend calls first--after she has parked in front of the house!

Good morning Kristin,

I am like you in this respect but I am also guilty of unannounced pop-in to friends I feel close to and then I bug them : ) I think a tiny little announcement is not all that bad...

xoxo

I don't like "drop-ins" either. Your story made me laugh because this morning I had an uninvited mouse in my summer house! The cat was in the dining room staring at something. When he suddenly ran to the French doors I saw a mouse between the door and the screen door! The mouse then hopped out through the torn corner at the bottom of the screen door that one of our cats caused when making a hasty entrance a while back! The uninvited mouse couldn't get away fast enough!

"Uninhabitable?!" You, Kristin?! I think not!! You have warmly and enthusiastically welcomed legions of strangers into your life and heart in a most intimate way. I suspect that some interpret that beaming warmth as an open invitation to stop by what some see as a monument rather than a home! I remember reading in one of Julia Child's books that when she moved to the south of France her fans were constantly beating a path to her door unannounced. It is indeed touching and flattering and even humbling--but when so much of you is shared and open, it is important for us to respect and understand boundaries. Especially during this busy season when there are important things being attended to and dozens of details each day to wrangle!

I have no doubt that you were gracious and welcoming to the stranger. I can't imagine you being anything else. And, actually, that's when the real work on ourselves is being done--when we examine an impulse and move it in a gentler direction. That's a good day.

I agree with Newforest..but consider this. Perhaps it was someone who was lost. Perhaps they were most trepid about coming down the road. It always helps to look at the other side also. There have been many a time that I have been lost in Europe as I am one who seems to seek out the "road not traveled". And to this demise, I have been so thankful when someone has been kind enough to send me in the right direction. These are the people I remember quite well.

I've never heard my own lifelong wary shyness better expressed than here, Kristin, right down to the horrors of feeling guilty because this ancient self-protective reaction is part of me. About 20% of humans are solitary sorts; as introverts by nature, we actually do very well in our quiet and valiant efforts to accommodate the more sociable majority, as you do so often.

Now a senior, I cheerfully declare myself a happy hermit to one and all, discourage drop-ins, let the phone go to message, rely on email, travel alone, & slip away from chit-chat marathons of any kind. Maybe because I'm usually warm & kind anyhow, friends old & new, family, and newcomers seem to take my natural reserve in stride, as well as this need for plenty of undisturbed alone-time.

Folks like us tend to strike a secretly heroic balance by giving our jittery inner wariness plenty of love & understanding -- and lots of space to breathe.

Your superb sharing here shows how brave we are precisely whilst we seem to cringe: Yay for us offbeat "HSP's -- Highly Sensitive People"! If you like, take a peek at this site for sustenance:
http://www.hsperson.com/

Leslie, I love the expression you gave us -> "sans crier gare". When you shout "Gare à.../au.../ à la... aux..." !, you want to warn a person to be careful about something or somebody, to watch out in order to be safe.
"crier gare" = shouting some warnings.
"sans crier gare" = without shouting any warning, without any word of warning.

The expression reminded me of several ways of telling how a person arrives on your doorstep, unannounced. Here are a few variations:
--> Il/elle arrive "sans crier gare"
= out of the blue, without any warning

--> Il/elle arrive "sans tambour ni trompette"
= quietly, discretly, without taking the trouble to make a phone call, without making a song and dance about it

--> Il/elle arrive "à l'improviste"
= at the last minute, unexpectedly

or quite simply:
--> Il/elle arrive "sans prévenir"
= without any prior arrangement beforehand

After all, the unexpected visitor might have been one of those 'angels' that neither sends e-mails nor phones people, but drops out of a cloud, lands in front of you, gently taps on your shoulder, giving you a friendly surprise! I do hope your "visiteur inattendu" was one of those!
or
was he/she a lost and disorientated stranger, in need of some help to find his/her destination?
or
was he/she someone who knows you extremely well and preferred surprising you?

At least, we already know he/she is 'an angel' and that's enough info to eliminate any nasty situation!

---------------

My husband and myself don't run a business. Our house is completely "private". We don't have 'a gate' at the entrance of our front garden. The drive between the street and our garage door is no longer than roughly 12 meters (no more than 15m... never measured it).
The unexpected visitors are only those who ring the bell and try to spread religious ideas, to sell a product, to tell me about changing my gas or my electricity company! I certainly don't invite them in. I tell them politely and briefly I don't need their product or services and I don't discuss anything on my doorstep. Just a bit of wisdom, isn't it?
This seems to correspond to what Herm said at the end of his post: 'a little caution may be a prudent necessity'.

Funny story, Kristen. You can find story in everyday events.

When unexpected visitors knock at my door, I worry because I'm usually in a house dress (like the old Italian women wore in my neighborhood when I was growing up), you know, the cotton short-sleeved gowns that snap closed in the front. I'm embarrassed but the visitors (usually the UPS or FedEx guy)could care less. I love company over but I prefer to know ahead of time.

Hi Kristin I totally get what you are saying as someone who has been examining her own boundaries recently. However you certainly don't come across that way. I remember your generous offer to meet me in Orange last year when I hoped to be passing through. Even though I had to cancel (regretfully) due to a change of plans, I was touched by your ready offer to meet up. So maybe you are too hard on yourself? all the best, Chris :)

This describes me and my boyfriend as well. I like to know what's going to happen and when and how and how long and... He, on the other hand, runs around at whim, brings people over, talks to everyone and I am left feeling like a snotty girl. And in almost every instance I am happy he has brought a new friend over, just wish I could get over myself about it more! Ah someday... :)

Oh Dear Kristen,
You hit the nail on the head! I am just like you. Years ago, I took some psychological tests and was diagnosed as a "compensating introvert". I do a lot of compensating so no one will notice, but, inside I am dreading new encounters.

So many of your readers are very well-versed and have already expressed my sentiments exactly. Everyone who reads this blog seems to love you and understand you and are also very eloquent indeed.

Moi aussi; I feel folks should call before dropping by, and, like Yvonne, I think an intercom to the front door is a great feature to have in one's home. Just it's presence deters solicitors.

Those of us who enjoy our own company, or that of just one significant other, often feel lacking in some way, and we truly should not. If we do our best for others within our own sense of comfort and timing, it's certainly enough.

I've read that those of us who are not "easy" with other people, social situations, drop-in visitors, etc. may have been left alone often as children. We read alot and tend to quiet thoughts and pursuits. Sometimes, to venture out as often as possible to places where one can "escape," leave early, or not be the center of attention, helps to break the habit of aloneness.

Who's more fortunate? Those with many friends and a large social life, or those of us with a special few who prefer it that way?

Where I grew up neighbors and friends popped in on one another. Sometimes this was welcome, sometimes not. I can remember my mother actually hiding and shushing us so she wouldn't have to answer the door.

If he was home, my father would always answer the door. Though I tend to be more like my mother, I admire my father's response. Deal with it.

I tend to be reclusive, my husband even more so. I've noticed the wealthy have the ability to isolate themselves while the poor people in the banlieu have no privacy. And who is the better off?

I was so surprised by this because I think of you as being so outgoing. It was nice to learn about that side of your personality. I can be like that too. I admire how open you are with us - the readers. Thank you for teaching us. I liked the comment by Sharon S. and others.
bises, m

Oops; forgot to give you the link altho I do have more photos elsewhere:
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=220685706123&ssPageName=STRK:MESELX:IT
Also just followed the Amazon link and purchased your first book. Can't wait to get reading it! Thanks again!