FRENCH WORD-A-DAY

There isn't one of us in this world with a child who hasn't had the same kind of experience. My daughter is 21, about to turn 22, and we went through all the same little dramas. Keep up your good work, Kristin. You're doin' it right. And please relax-you need to try to relax through all of this. I am recovering from heart surgery in February and stress does not help, I know. Chin up!

Ah, finally, I now know why in those old cowboy movies, the town drunk says "He's gone plumb crazy!"

MY DARLING KRISTI AND ALL OF OUR PRECIOUS FRIENDS,

ONCE AGAIN - YOU HAVE SURPRISED ME WITH YOUR COURAGE TO SHARE THE TRUTH OF YOUR LIFE.

YESTERDAY AFTER ANSWERING A SPECIAL LETTER I RECEIVED FROM MARSHA - YES!!! KRISTI'S DAD KIP'S WIFE MARSHA! WE HAVE A SPECIAL BOND, SOMEHOW WE HAVE BECOME SISTERS OVER THE PAST 18 YEARS...

....ANYWAY I WAS POURING MY HEART OUT VIA MY COMPUTER KEYS - THEN I REACHED THE END OF MY MUSINGS, ...I WAS GRIPED WITH SELF-DOUBT --- SHOULD I PUSH THE SEND BUTTON AND RELEASE MY INNERMOST THOUGHTS AND CHANCE THE FEAR OF TOO MUCH INFORMATION.

I ALSO SHARED THAT FEAR WITH MARSHA ON THE PAGE OF MY THOUGHTS. I FINISHED OFF WITH, ' I SHARE MY THOUGHTS WITH YOU INSTEAD OF FILLING THE PAGES WITH AN ILLUSION."

I AM ALWAYS AMAZED AT HOW CLOSELY KRISTI AND MY DAILY OR WEEKLY PATHS RUN PARALLEL THROUGH THROUGH LIFE EVEN THOUGH WE ARE THOUSANDS OF MILES APART. WE OFTEN ARE SHOCKED WHEN WE SPEAK ON THE PHONE AND FIND THAT WE HAVE BOTH BEEN THINKING, OR SEARCHING FOR THE SAME ANSWERS IN LIFE.

THE GIFT OF TOTAL TRANSPARENCY CAME TO ME WHEN I WAS PARADED THREW MY SMALL VILLAGE OF YELAPA, MEXICO IN 2002. I WAS WRAPPED IN RIPPED SHEETS, TIED INTO THE EMBRACE OF A VILLAGE LAWN CHAIR BECAUSE THERE WERE NO MEDICAL STRETCHERS TO BE HAD IN THIS REMOTE VILLAGE. AFTER PASSING THROUGH THE NARROW PATHWAYS I WAS LOWERED INTO A SMALL FISHING PONGA - WHEN THEY TURNED MY STRETCHER TO LOWER IT FROM THE PIER INTO THE BOAT MY EYES FOUND ALMOST THE ENTIRE VILLAGE HAD FOLLOWED THE PROCESSION DOWN TO THE BAY.

WELL - THAT WAS THE END OF ALL MY ILLUSIONS...ALL OF MY SECRETS, ALL OF MY SHAME. I HAVE NEVER BEEN THE SAME -

KRISTI YOU ARE ON THE RIGHT PATH WITH YOUR WRITING - THE PRESSURE YOU FEEL PRODUCING A POST THREE TIMES A WEEK FOR OVER 36,000 PEOPLE CAN ONLY BE ACCOMPLISHED WITH THE TRUTH OF YOUR LIFE...YOU ARE MY 'STAR.' ALWAYS BE TRUE TO WHO YOU REALLY ARE, THEN YOU ARE FREE.

XOXO

MOM

Out and back, out and back - all through the day. Sometimes I think you must be stealing scenes from my life and making them your own, Kristin. But, I guess, many of us are living this life and it's good to hear we're not alone. I ask myself, "Does no one SEE how exhausted I am?". Sometimes I feel like a yoyo more than a mom. What's so hard about this "out and back" scenario? It's just sitting in a car! But I never get the answer to this question. I do know that sometimes if I just get that cup of tea and breath in and out for 5 minutes - I'm good to go again.

You are a very level-headed and fair mom, and Jackie is blessed. This mother/daughter relationship can really put us through trying times but it's well worth it.

Love that picture of Jackie. We haven't seen one on awhile. She's gorgeous!! And the quote at the top.... just perfect!!

Of course a Zen Master would respond, you were never on the path to spiritual perfection. There is no path, you're already there but don't realise it. You are perfect, even with the imperfections.

Dear Jules,

You are very "real". I wish I could come up with a better word. Here is quote that I love. It sounds as if the 2002 event was pivotal and life changing.

“What makes humility so desirable is the marvelous thing it does to us; it creates in us a capacity for the closest possible intimacy with God” - Monica Baldwin

"I am always amazed at the realization that, no matter how hot-to-trot-upon-the-spiritual-path I think I am, when all is said and done, it often seems I am no closer to spiritual perfection than when I first set out."

Yep, this is me to a T! Well said! I try hard to be so mindful and then when school gets out, my kids put me over the edge. But I love them anyway. ;) I hope you are well.

Hey Kristin,

Thanks for the lovely story. Every parent has one (or more) of these stories. You're doing very well. I like that you are reflective but still the parent.

Your daughter is beautiful, just like her mom.

Parenting, just like life, is a journey.

Thanks for sharing, and I love reading your mom's post. She is very interesting and unique. You are so lucky to have such a mom.

Be well.

Since you are a Christian, Kristi, then you can thank the Father that Jesus paid for all the times we 'lose it' and will 'lose it' in the future. Thank God for the gift of repentence. I spilled hot coffee yesterday and let out a string of words........and immediately was convicted...And asked for forgiveness...if you are in Christ, there is no condemnation. Thanks for sharing.
Love,
maria

Krisin, I love your honesty. Here's more ~ when my precious daughter was four or five years old (how seriously can a four or five year old "sin?"), I became so upset with her, I stomped to smithereens her little doll bed. She remembers it only because I have told and retold that story of my unrestrained anger. I can still, 35 years later, drum up a good case of the guilts!

I can recommend another wonderful devotional. It's called, "JESUS CALLING." I recommend it to any believer.

It's been nearly a year since Marti and I visited you. What a special day that was for us ~ and never to be forgotten.

Love, Susie

I feel sometimes an occasional 'blow out ' like this is good for the , to quote, 'terrible teens'It brings them up short & one hopes, makes them realise all that a Mom does for them .They shouldn't expect 'Mom's Taxi' to be a 24 hour service
What a refreshing comment from Betty (above)! When I read those sort of comments from a 14 year old I think there is hope yet for the youth of today .
I agree with her . I wouldn't have apologised. I feel Jackie needed to take on board , what to my mind, was her selfishness in this case ( But then I'm a retired teacher of teenagers!!)

Jeremiah 17:7-8

“But blessed is the one who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him. They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.”

Chère Kristin, Having had teenagers of my own and now grandchildren who are teenagers, I know just how wonderful they are almost all of the time. However, they have a tendency to be thoughtless and selfish at this age and I must agree with Betty and Audrey. It is Jackie who should have had a cup of hot tea waiting for you and she should be désolée for upsetting you so much. You are a wonderful mother who maybe tried to schedule too much for one day. Jackie is a lovely young lady. Best wishes always,Cynthia

Ahhh...just yesterday I was sharing with a friend how I regretted a hasty though be it entirely justified outburst...oh well, one is not born with all the necessary wisdom but one can learn...and as for your lovely daughter, I hope she too sees her contribution...I hope she apologized to you! xx

Kristi,
No one said that it was easy to bring up children, especially teenage girls - the truly self absorbed. She is a beautiful young lady - but still a teenager.
You were a good mother when you went to her to apologize. How many parents would do that?

Kathleen from Connecticut

God has a way of humbling us and letting us know we need Him.

Your apology will go for miles! My 26 year old daughter who drove me to the brink many times remembers my apologies from her teenage years. She has asked me many times, how did I ever put up with her? I tell her that she will know when she has children of her own some day. Love your stories!

Sending you virtual hugs. As the mother of a 17-year old daughter...I've been there. Sounds like you are a fantastic mother.

Your words today brought back an incident from the 80s when my boys were teenagers. Their father was in the hospital and I had gone to visit him after work, come home to prepare dinner for them, then gone back to the hospital. When I returned for the night, dirty dishes were still on the table; the kitchen was a disaster. Where were the boys? Watching TV and laughing downstairs in the rec room. Yes, I lost it and let loose with words that left their mouths hanging open. After that I stormed off to bed.
In the morning I apologized for my language but not for what I felt was righteous anger. They understood and this never happened again.
Curiously one of them is the Dad of a 12 year old girl. She is being raised with great love and some very clear boundaries and expectations. Her time on the computer and phone is limited as well. There is much less drama, but I wonder how it will go as she slides into her teens!
As far as I am concerned, you were entitled to lose your cool. The way you handled the aftermath was exemplary. Maybe next time Jackie will have a cup of tea ready for you!

1. The female teen drama should subside around 18.
2. A mother is ALWAYS right....(right Jules?)
3. There is no such thing as perfection in this world....spiritual or real. (Actually it is better this way;then there is always something to strive for.)
4. Apologies go a long way in life.

I was polite on the phone today, when I first got to a person, after making 4 different numerical choices, entering a 16 digit account number, a 9 digit social security number, and my zip code. She requested my SSN again and asked for full address. (I had tried to make an online payment, and my user name and password weren't accepted. I had allotted 10 minutes to do this before leaving for work). The agent was able to help me, but it took time. As the minutes ticked off, and I explained I was in a hurry because a 10 minute task had stretched to 25 minutes due to a computer glitch, I thanked her for her help. She answered by going into a spiel, "Are you protected from loss of your credit cards if your wallet should be lost or stolen? We have a plan..." I interrupted, probably rudely, with "I don't have time for this. Thank you. Goodbye." Hung up.
A successful interaction when I was under stress was spoiled by an attempt to take more time and to sell something...
I cooled down and was only 3 minutes late for work, but I ought to have been on time.

Kristin, think you can be excused for losing it, as we all do at various times. More importantly all your friends and followers will be hoping for positive outcomes from your medical appointments.

Kristin,
I used to tell my children that they lived under a benevolent dictatorship and they would just have to get used to it. Period. I was the parent who called other mothers and got them together so we could "coordinate" certain things. Like, when my kids said, "So and So's mom lets her do this, or So and So's dad lets him do that, I didn't let that deter me. Instead, I got together all the "So and Sos" for coffee very early one morning; we all put our notes together and found out that we were all getting fed those little white lies. That morning we set parameters for our budding teenagers regarding phone calls (not after 10PM) and curfew, and a few other things. For a long time I would have to admit I was not the favorite mom in the school. However, that did change. And to this day (my kids are now 30 plus) all of their friends still call me mom, they visit me when they are in town, they've asked to be my Facebook friend, and they are beginning their own journeys in parenting. They have all thanked me for being there for them, for making sure they got home safe, for checking for alcohol on their breath, and for being the most engaged and unflappable parent, who set rules and followed through. They are all very successful adults now raising their own children - and doing a great job. Discipline with love is what all children need - a benevolent dictator!! So - good for you! You were right on. Someday she will thank you - I promise!

Dear Kristen: Oh, your words reach out to those of us who read your words without fail, no matter what else is happening in our lives. Your willingness to be vulnerable and share so deeply touches our hearts, and helps us be vulnerable in return. Thank you.

Driving home after the stresses of doctors and other drivers and so much time away from your home reminded me of a quote: "This is the true nature of home - it is the place of Peace; the shelter, not only from injury, but from all terror, doubt, and division."

You longed for peace, for comfort, for solitude, for rest and warmth and inspiration. These yearnings were strong in you as you returned home. Jackie, waiting impatiently at home for your return, longed for connection with her friend, to contribute to her friend's well-being, and no doubt longed for autonomy. Both of you longed for consideration and understanding. Your 'no' to Kristie was saying 'yes' to your needs, which you are absolutely entitled to, and will not go away no matter how much anyone else wants them to disappear. As Jackie continued to lobby for getting her needs met, without considering your own, your need for autonomy and self-acceptence and fairness, and respect (I am guessing) became more important suddenly than the need even for warmth and comfort and the inspiration of the book waiting for you. And your heart spoke, to protect you, to stand up for the right to have and own those needs, and to have them met.

Ah, but the strategy used to get those needs met - the strength of what it took to stop Jackie's lobbying, and her continued refusal of your 'no', required a high price. The risk of the relationship with your dearly loved daughter. After your final refusal, there arose a new need: the need for love and acceptance and forgiveness for the harshness of the words spoken to obtain the peace you so strongly needed. Oh, what a roller coaster of emotions you rode that night, my dear Kristen.

If only Jackie could have given you a bit of space to recover from your harrowing day, before requesting a ride to comfort her friend. Or considered supporting her friend with a long phone call instead of physical presence. Or, if only you could have asked for this space and time to recover, before even considering her request. Maybe space would be created to allow both of you to share what was in your hearts, and see if there were other strategies which could possibly get all, or at least some, of these needs met. But these options never seem to present themselves in the heat of the moment, when those other needs are so strong.

Bless you both, and your love for each other. Diane

Don't be too hard on yourself, Kristin. You had a very stressful day, both physically with all your driving to and fro, but also psychologically draining, as no doubt you were worried about your medical tests and what they might uncover. So you girded yourself to get back home and reward yourself with some peace, quiet, and rest-- only to be told you HAD to go out again! I think most of us would have lost it at that point!

That said, it was nice that you apologized to your daughter, to clear the air and to get things back on a good footing between the two of you.

But I also hope Jackie understood why you "blew" and how you felt you'd been pushed to your limits. It's important for her to understand that mothers are human, too!

I hope you rest in comfort knowing you made the right choices twice, no thrice.

Not agreeing to the ride to a friend, apologizing for using stronger words than you migh have usually used, and holding to the discipline for failing to do homework in the slot allotted for homework.

Pretty good track record on a day of driving and doctor appointments, I say.
Parents of teens have the hard job of always being the limits to their child's world, no matter how many times or ways the child hits up against those limits.

No easy job, that.

Lots of wisdom in these comments, and I concur, but I assume someone would talk about the etymology of the expression. Would the English "shit a brick" be an equivalent, or am I missing the etymological point?

Chère Kristin,

How many mothers and grandmothers around the world, have just read today's post and smiled ruefully in complete understanding? Probably tens of thousands! I have had exactly the same experience. Recently I my son described his own melt down - it was a perfect reflection of me and of my mother before me. He has a 16 year old son, and he goes through many of the same challenges of parenting a boy who is so much like him!

Our children do not need us to be perfect. They need us to be loving, wise and honest. You are all of those things, and much more besides. So be gentle with yourself, and take as good care of you as you would have us take care of ourselves. (Isn't this a sort of corollary to the Golden Rule?)

Be well and happy,

Johanna DeMay
Albuquerque, NM, where the Spring winds are going wild!

Thankfully, perfection is a projection that we mistakenly sometimes think is what we are aiming towards. It is not a realizable goal, and the worst part of it is the damage we do to ourselves when we mentally beat ourselves up for falling short. Jackie learned an important lesson -- trying to manipulate you did not work. This dance between Moms and their teen daughters continues - you are part of a huge circle of sometimes-exploding Moms. Sometimes it takes this explosion to get their attention and to stop what is happening.

Rest well. Love to all.

Hi Kristin, Not to worry. Jackie is only doing what she must. And so are you....it's better to be now than later. I hope the tea was great--this spiritual road that we are on is not down hill; but the growth does happen exactly when and where we least expect it. Be well. Mary

Hi Kristin---as you know from your own feelings and reactions and comments from your Mom, friends and all of us-I'm just adding to it/would like to reiterate that what happened--has happened with all of us!!!
The good thing is the 'realisation and acceptance and apology'. You are already on
your Spritual path. Great!!
Take care.
Love, Rina.

Kristin, after 60+ years of observing and assisting people on their spiritual journey I've come to this conclusion: One is never "closer" to God than when one realizes how far "away" one really is.

I love the classic line from the movie "Rudy" when the priest tells Rudy, "I've been a priest for "x" years and I'm only sure of two things: 1) There is a God. 2) I'm not him."

God Bless,

Hi Kristin,
It's not only mothers who get that treatment from their teenage daughters! Your story brought back vivid memories of times (happily) long past to this father! And now a practical suggestion to avoid teens spending too much time on their computers: install some free software such as K-9 (Google it!) which not only protects them from unsuitable sites and unwanted intrusions from predatory strangers, it enables you to control and restrict access to Wi-Fi connections to a prearranged timetable.And its password protected! Keep up the good fight!
Terry (Saint-Remy-De-Provence)
PS still waiting for your visit!

Have started working on a small family reunion on the 27th of May, hoping to see as many of our descendants as possible. You (that's plural) are invited.

It will be the best possible 85th birthday present -- one or more Espinasses would be the live "frosting on the cake"!

Never too old to dream. Fred

P.S. Details joyously sent on request.

You're a special person. Thank you for this blog.