FRENCH WORD-A-DAY

Oh, my dear. How wise of you to have removed yourself from such poison disguised as caring.

You know yourself far better than anyone else, and that letter has NOTHING to do with Kristi.

Wonderful story, the clue to their grasp of reality is the detailed advice to Mme Royale. (What advice are they now giving her)?

You should have sent two emails back, one from each of your imaginary halves. Then a third from yet another subset of your increasingly fragmented personality disagreeing with the other two.

Friend? That is no friend, don't waste another minute worrying about it. In the first place, she is wallowing in self-importance to start diagnosing you. Live your life the way you know best, get rid of nay-sayers, they bring a person down (to their level). Congrats on your move!

As a clinical psychologist, I can reassure you that you are in no way a schizophrenic. Your former friends, though, are most definitely crazy! : )

However, if you do know some ex-pats seeking therapy with an English-speaking psychologist/coach, I offer services via Skype: Drwgoodman.

Oh how I could get going on this subject. But I probably won't say much here, better left to a future conversation over tea... :) I have long since learned not to try and glean information off of kids' conversations, as that old friend should have learned too. Just these past elections, my kids' friends were loudly discussing who their parents were voting for while riding along in my car and I'm sure my girls were responding with the answer that we their own parents were voting the other way. All that info just went in one ear and right out the other...as I hope it did with the friends parents. But if I had to break up with someone over politics, it would have to be my own family! I only look at FB with half an eye open nowadays...

In all things in life; to thine own self(s) be true...the extra s is just in case there is more than one of you hiding in there :)

Interesting story! Politics between friends are better left unsaid. My brother-in-law and I are polar opposites politically and are constantly in conflict...unfortunately, we are related so I cannot avoid, so therefore, relish the conflict and feed the fires constantly :)

In Italian words that do not mince:

Va fan cullo!!! to your ignorant neighbor and all of her prejudices and erroneous assumptions about your kids and YOU. If there is one thing I adhere to at this ripe age it is that there will be people you simply do not need in your life and people you will cherish. This "neighbor" is not one to be cherised. And if there is only one in your life, you are fortunate. I suspect there are not many like this woman in your life, Kristin. Leave her at the river and continue your journey with a clear heart. PS If I ever run into this 'neighbor', she had better watch her teeth!!!! No one messes with my friends.

Dear Kristi,
This post made me quite sad for you. I think A's agitation and inability to "hear" Jackie and her friend had nothing to do with politics. S/he sounds truly in need of mental health support. It is so ironic she suggested a psychoanalyst for you when that is what s/he needs (for starters). I agree with others who have posted: you are much better off away from someone like that. So interesting that sometimes we have cordial relationships with neighbors without truly knowing who and what they are. I think you discovered the true nature of these people, and it's good you are now physically removed from them. Take care, and best wishes in your new home!

Things are, as mentioned above, too charged up here in the United States at the moment, to speak about politics. I only speak about my views with like-minded people. As for your former freinds, not of sound mind! They remind me of a relative who periodically sends us e-mails reminding us of how terrible we are. If we even send one sentence to her, such as "We're sorry you feel that way." She explodes with more ugliness. We've learned to ignore the e-mails now. I agree with Stan 100%.

I don't like to argue politics, although I feel informed and have strong convictions. For one thing, I am probably not going to change anyone's mind, for another, I think I know, but at the same time try to stay humble, knowing that I really don't know all that much. I will, however discuss politics as long as it's with someone I know well am confident that we share basic political views. In your case, someone just assumed what you thought and decided to judge you, based on nothing!

Dearest Kristi,

I have always loved that quote, "Know thyself." But the older I get, the more I believe it should read, "Know thy selves."

None of us are one person. We have all lived many lives, and I am not referring to reincarnation.

We have been, AND STILL ARE, trusting children, adolescents longing for the future, young students seeking peer acceptance from friends, older students seeking learning and understanding and a path toward financial stability.

We have lived on our own, trying to determine what we want from life. We have practiced using our minds and voices in political and philosophical debate. We have stood for justice and tried to find it in a world apparently run by old men.

We have become wives, first through a fall into love, then, hopefully, through building a life with someone who becomes our dearest friend.

As older children, we have become caregivers to our aging parents, sometimes watching them struggle with illness for which we can only offer our love, sometimes sitting with them as they pass into their own next Great Adventure. As we age ourselves, we confront new fears about health, financial security, and loneliness.

The thing is, all of these individual people that we have been at one time or will be in the future... all these people are still part of our NOW, our current life. This is not schizophrenia. This is a result of living a full and enriching life.

Listening to the views and beliefs of those about whom we care is simply the result of a gloriously open mind. It is not about twisting our thoughts or about vacillating. It is about having and showing respect for others.

Your neighbors' last letter is painful, of course. But do your best to set it aside and bask in the love of your beautiful husband and children and mother, and in the many readers and friends who adore you.

Finally, my dear friend, thank God all those wonderful parts of your life happened, even the difficult ones, because they have made you exactly who you are today.
Peace,
Nan

Oh my! That break-up sounds deeper than politics. And you are better off for the break-up since they are attacking you personally! Since this is an election year in the U.S., it seems everyone is talking politics, sometimes surprisingly vehemently. But I am refusing to enter all the arguments--exactly because I don't want to lose friends over it. I am just letting them post all kinds of stuff on facebook, and hopefully things will calm down when the election is over.

It sounds like you really didn't have the friendship you thought you had. Best to focus your energy on your true friends, who can let you disagree with them if you want.

Thanks for sharing this personal story. Wishing you the best from California :)

I am much less kind than you and your readers as I just wished that the felled tree had squashed them both, thus sparing you any hurt!

Why is it that these confrontations latch on to us and are hard to shake? These people are obviously controlling, close minded and inflexible. Totally oposite from yourself.

I'm surprised because I've always heard that the French could heatedly argue about politics one minute and walk away holding hands five minutes later. I love that! It shows that one can have passion about their own opinion AND also have respect and open ears for your opinions.

I see a lot of nasty insult-throwing back-talk here in the US. Our citizens seem to choose their candidates before the debates even start and before checking facts. The only time I've felt attacked for anything political was on Facebook. It was just a simple supportive comment about our President. Wow. I'll never do that again. I was instantly re-ranked as their friend - I could feel it instantly and have felt it since. So. it wasn't a case of me taking it too sensitively. I still feel the aftermath.

Comes a time in adult life when we find people who we held as friends for years have developed into pillars of righteousness. It's better to trim away some of those connections, I think. The tree in your story is very symbolic of the unfortunate occurrence that fell upon you. For your welfare, it was best that both were felled. (How does that sentence translate with rompre?)

Great to hear from you. It gave me an opportunity to connect with a friend who some might feel is easy to kick around but whom I know is everything a human should be. AND.... who seems to be much more French than her neighbors.

Kristin,

Don't think ill of me, but a smile came on my face reading about your "encounter". So I'm not the only one who bumps into these crazies. If you correspond again, sign your name Dr. Espinasse, Service de Psychiatrie

nuff said by everyone. back to a question about your phrases...

rompre avec sa (son) petit(e) ami(e)

To be consistent, shouldn't that be written with the "sa" in the parentheses instead of the "son"??

Kristin Hello,

In a situation like this, the best thing was to give them the last word. They will think they "won" and "too good" to continue a relationship with you. Ironically, they think that you will be missing their insight into your human condition.

In the meantime, you will have more room to choose and pick real friendships as you see fit. Friendship should be a natural event not something that needs work.

Amicalement,

Dennis

Darling Kristi,
I would have jettisoned those confusing & hurtful letters long ago. You are quite a few years removed from this episode since Jackie was only 9 & you may have thought that you would better understand them as you grew in knowledge & experience, & they are fodder for this column. Though ruminating on past hurts doesn't solve anything.
You are very astute in realizing that the tree incident might have precipitated this avalanche of negativism. Did you ever advise them that it could have been one of them or their guest who might have been hurt by falling branches? From what you have quoted here, they obviously have control issues at the least.
Political stances & how they are expressed reveal much about people. Sometimes it's just frustration over the lack of control in their lives.
I like Nan's post about the many facets of our personalities. Some of our worst hurts are lessons in how not to be. Always be thankful for the good in your life & magnify it. It will keep you buoyed on miserable days like today with hurricane Sandy howling outside my window.

The world has so many real problems. Why do some people go looking for imaginary ones?
Joan L. Bon weekend a tous!

Hi Kristi,

I imagine that one half of this couple was male? It is a typical ploy by a certain type of male (who also influences his female partener, when he finds that he cannot win the argument, to cast aspersions on your sanity. It catches you on the back foot and distablises you. I know, I've met quite a few men like that, I know just what it feels like. But it says more about him than it does about you.

I know it must have really hurt but do your best to shrug it off and laugh about it. That's all it deserves.

Hugs, Lili

Hi Kristin: Your expat neighbor's political opinions mean nothing since they cannot vote. They would do well to remember that they
are guests in France, and should comport themselves with impartial respect for the French political process.
As to the insults upon your character - there is obviously too much
wine consumption going on in their house.

How ironic to read your post just after praying and reading my Bible, seeking God's answers and truths regarding friendships.

I have been very hurt by the actions and words of my some of my closest friends as I go thru the most painful of circumstances. As much as I would like this to change, I know that I can at least always have the comfort of God.

For me reconciliation is always desirable. I too have been a people pleaser and I detest conflict. I have tried to cherish and make the best of relationships but I am learning as I get older that sometimes I need to realize my own self worth and walk away from a toxic relationship.

My heart aches for you. Though never having met you I believe over the years of reading French Word a Day that your true character and heart is obvious. You are obviously a tender hearted person with compassion and sensibility. Which is why when people say and do things like this lady did it hurts all the more. What she wrote was of course ridiculous but it still must have been so shocking. Take heart in the love and words of comfort of so many that think you are a really great person.

The final reply could have ended with

"Kind regards,
Kristi & Kristi"

these people are closed and lacking compassion.

they knew very well their words would hurt you and had hoped they would, otherwise why write them?

I would not presume to tell you how to run your life as if my life is/was perfect. No, unless they have 'walked in your shoes' they cannot honestly say they know what is 'best'for you. No one can.

I try not to talk about politics or religious beliefs. Most people take themselves too seriously over it all. As these people have taken themselves far too seriously.

I send love and compassion for you Kristi. May the barbs they have placed be removed and healed by love and sweet times.

I also send love and compassion for these people....that their hearts be healed and their minds be open and accepting of the differences of humanity.

hugs you Kristi...if you are 'two people' then I am too..and so are the rest of us. :)

How old are these people? Some older folks have the capacity to completely "lose it" when they feel threatened---and WHO KNOWS WHAT or WHERE FROM that threat may come?

Obviously this is about THEM !-- not you, not your daughter, not Segolène, not the time of day nor the temperature outside !
We can never know the evil lurking inside another person, nor the innocent remark that may trigger the volcano.
Sadly she(he) must continue to live with this anger. You, however,are FREE !

Temporary pain which we learn from becomes
longterm GOOD.

You may always tell them you miss and remember the good time.( especially if they are elderly).They will "get" it !

Wow! What a severe reaction. You must have been both crushed, and somewhat disbelieving! How could a friend make such a snap decision and not have more confidence in you? ..which leads me to the thought that this very troubled couple were never the friends that you thought they were. I thought political polarization was mainly a feature of the US. Having lived in Italy, often men gather in cafes and on street corners, etc to argue the merits of one candidate over another. I live in Phoenix. Here in the US, you are either one thing or another and many judgements are made about you based on your belief, whether its politics or issue ( a woman's right- to- choose ) . It is very sad. Living through the 60's where the tone was "question authority" , social justice and social change, I am very sad to live in a world where we can't have opposing points of view ( or like you, be undecided ) without being labeled " the enemy". I am sorry for your loss but clearly you have lost nothing because these were not friends to begin with. Your readers, with whom you share your thoughts and your heart, adore you! Let that and the love of family and REAL friends be enough!

.. Kristin...I am so sorry those dreadful nieghbors hurt you feeling so much.... they had become 'toxic' in their realtionship to you . You did the right thing by not responding in the end, and let her find someone else to rant to! My mother once told me two things not to discuss with good friends were 'religion and politics'! I have tried to remember this sage advice.... your own mom, Jules, seems to me to be full of great advice as well! Do not change one thing about yourself.. we all love and respect you just as you are! Bon weekend, Judi Dunn.. Tallahassee, Fl.

Kristi, your ex-friend is not a nice person. So maybe it seemed that your daughter was saying something pro-war, but to judge you as having given your children no moral compass and to decide to hate you, irrevocably, because of this is a horrifying act. And that is what they have done. Here are a few things which are wrong with that:
1. A nine-year-old can come out with all sorts of things without really knowing what they're saying or how properly to express themselves. So, most likely, it was basically a misunderstanding.
2. A nine-year-old can pick up half-baked ideas from anywhere, and even the best parent can't constantly be policing their children's every thought. So taking something said by a nine-year-old as sufficient reason to judge and hate their parent is plain nasty.
3. They seem to feel that saying something pro-war means that you're pro-death, pro-violence or anti-life! To be anti-war is a good thing, but it's a bad thing to fail to see that there can be powerful reasons to believe that war might be necessary and that when people speak in favour of taking to arms, it's not out of blood-lust and there's no need to hate those people.

Sorry to say this, but you're better-off without them.

I have learned e-mail can’t replace face to face conversation. Some things just shouldn’t be expressed in an e-mail. You can’t see the other person’s body language to read them and there is too much time to think about and interpret what was written in an e-mail.

I have also learned some people don’t have a person in their life to use as a reality check. These are usually isolated people or those people who have pushed others away because their “reality” is the only truth. These are the people that cause us to “walk on eggshells” and most likely suffer from a form of mental illness.

Kristi, You are receiving such beautiful comments this morning. Your story sounds like one I experienced.Who knows why these individuals go off. All I know is , I can't trust them,control them and I don't want to. So I respectfully keep my distance from them.Interesting subject. You always surprise me!

Merci

I nearly choked on my coffee while reading this; obviously these are disturbed people and were never really friends; good riddance to them!!! It always saddens me when I discover that a friendship is not what I thought it was and it's hard to let go. But then I realize that I don't miss them and have more time to concentrate on the positive, loving people in my life.
Sending you a warm hug!

"Know thyself." What that great philosopher left off was that in doing so, you know others! And...when you need to know more, you can count on an exchange such as this to let you REALLY know! All is well, everything happens for a reason and "keeping your karma clean" can mean having a blog or journal to sweep the situation into the ethers where it belongs.

Now may I please learn the French word or phrase for "wisdom?" In fact, may I have the French term for menopause too? I once read in a book of my grandmother's that the French phrase for it translates to "a return to youth." I've been telling that to my friends--some of them kind of act like little girls again (and they're a lot more fun than they used to be).

Dear Kristi...I've experienced strange reactions from some I thought were "friends"; They were baseless and seemingly came out of nowhere and can understand how those emails left you reeling. It often reflects private turmoil on the sender's part, not anything you or your family have done. As for politics, being a Jehovah's Witness I take no partiality in political or nationalistic affairs, but can tell you even peaceable neutrality can attract considerable hostility so I can empathize. Keep being as kind and understanding as you are...even when you find it hard to understand how anyone can be unkind to you and yours. I enjoy your posts and hope you continue to settle in happily in your new (beautiful) home.
April (in New York City)

It brings to mind some of our Yorkshire sayings,
'When in doubt, say nowt.'
'There's nowt so queer as folk!'

Oh and finally, with friends like that, who needs enemies! Very disappointing when so called friends let you down, but we learn more from the bad things that happen to us than from the good. When one is an open and trusting person like you Kristi, you are vulnerable to the nasty jibes of those who are not so kindly disposed towards their fellow man. Put it down to a bad experience and move on. We all love you.

If people are rude to you, it is because they are jealous of your beauty, your talents, your warm demeanor, and your lifestyle. There is only one Kristi and you can hold your head high! Just listen to your real friends and family who really know you and love you.

My Mother used to say " consider the source
of the criticism " And also remember that
leftists are fond of using the old method of
" projecting " so I believe you have nothing
to worry about . I must also remind everyone
that the only thing that is sacred are people,
trees are plants . I hope you read this Kristin.
Ken
Napa Valley

Yikes, a friendship falls apart because someone actually put stock in something they heard while children were playing? I think not!! I hear the green-eyed monster here as well as someone with a terrific desire to hurt others. Best to shed (as you have done) this truly toxic "neighbor.". XO

Kristin, your graceful negotiation of that exchange--and your equally graceful retelling of the story--is a powerful illustration that you know exactly who you are. I'm sure in the moment it must have felt as though everything you knew was spinning around you and there was no terra firma. but you followed your own true north and it got you through it. you've given us quite a gift today--the opportunity to revisit similar rifts and separations and look at them through a different lens. i suspect friendships may be rekindled today--or peace will be achieved through the resolution of the pain. you have such a talent for finding and giving words to a shared human heartbeat. stunning.

as for your friends--i suspect i may have said this before in this forum because it is my 'go to' in so many circumstances. but whether i find my self jealous of someone or judgmental of someone, i remind myself i don't know what their demons are. we all have them. but it always makes me less harsh and more grateful that i'm in the skin i'm in.

thank you for sharing this today. gwyn

Loss is loss and it sucks - it hurts, even when it happens due to a selfish, highly critical, a bit of a crazy person's rant. It's hard not to suck it up inside ourselves and question if we had any part of the whole thing. But, mostly it just hurts and can take a long time to swirl and eddy and bubble back up again to give us one more punch in the stomach. I think you bringing this up with your loving reader community is not only a gift to yourself in saying "goodbye" to that hurt, but it's also been an amazing gift to us, to share something that's been lurking there and is now ready to be exorcised and released on the winds -with all your friends here taking deep breaths and blowing the sadness up, up and away!

It's unbelieveable that a neighbor would make that diagnosis with such limited information. When something like that happens I would say "consider the source". It sounds like they do not have a grasp on a healthy mind themselves. To judge a person on what their 9yr old child says, is totally wrong. If they were concerned about your welfare, they could have talked with you about her remarks.

Kristi, You were very brave to post this. The neighbor was exceptionally cruel to have written this nastiness to you. I can only hope that your neighbors later regretted their action, even if they never took steps to correct what they did.
Trust all those who love you that you are a good person and do not need any type of "therapy"! What a joke. Yes, you seem to be a people pleaser, and that is difficult with folks who take strong positions in politics and who would be difficult to please. But that is not your task in life - to please them.

I believe they are jealous. I hope they are reading your blog!

AND, Kristi ... a great prescription for your "craziness" is a good dose of the "Big Toe Rouge" JM is crafting! :-) Aloha, Bill

Wow! Those comments were over the top and hurtful. Good riddance to bad rubbish!

I can't believe that anyone who knows you, even if only in your FWAD, would ever say hurtful things. But we've all had these experiences and my thought is "Let go and let God". I became good friends with someone I'd had a blowup with because I called and apologized and wrote a note as well. We still exchange Christmas cards 50 years later. The difference is I knew I was wrong and made amends. Your former neighbors don't sound as though they ever think they're wrong. It's their loss because the rest of us would treasure you as a friend and neighbor.

My TOGETHER friend,
This story is a reminder to me to be quick to listen, clarify, and ask questions rather than quick to disagree, accuse, and assume people are eager to hear my advice.

PS
I love the comment from Gus Coulton at 1:21 PM today about the three emails. Priceless, wish I'd thought of that.
Kirk from Virginia

WOW...that's crazy! You should be very very thankful not to know them anymore. Sometimes it is good to do "Spring Cleaning" even with the people around you who are not good for you to keep around. Kind of like weeds. N'est pas?
Huge computer hugs!

I'm sure that was hard for you at the time but I must say, I thought it was hilarious. Those people sound certifiable. And you are a good writer. Loved it.

Mon cher un Kristi, Please do not despair or continue to put yourself through anymore analysis. You do know yourself and have been true to yourself! YES, I have lost people who I thought were friends to politics. I believed that they were more ethical, moral and true but was disappointed to see differently. I was appalled that someone who acts as if they are caring and offer such horrible conclusions and remedies to delude themselves from their old weaknesses, delusions and anger. I guilty of conducting self-analysis and self criticism---and after therapy to cope with years of lingering grief, learned that I had done all that I could do in those two situations of life, illness and death. You give rays of sunshine, laughter and glimpses of positive distraction when I need it; good people share so unselfishly!!!! Do not waste another moment of precious time on the loss of such "friendships"--I also believe in karma and what you do comes back to you. Such people should be afraid of their karma. Love to you, Robyn from Albuquerque!!!