FRENCH WORD-A-DAY

For some unexplained- and unknown- reason your last paragraph made me cry. Now I will have to do some introspection of my own, an examination of my own mind, to ferret out the reason for these tears. Thank you, Kristin, for such a "thought-ful" essay.

This was the first thing I read today and it's put me in a very reflective mood. Perfect for the monumental tasks awaiting me...thanks for sharing!

I hate noise with a passion, but it's ever present it seems. I think people are afraid of silence. I really feel for you, and also agree with JolleyG

BTW, JG we miss you on word play.

Reads like a novel, You might try to expand it into one. Well-written, suspenseful, touching.

Kristi,

My husband told me about being at a concert where he could feel the beat straight through his chest, so he sat side ways to help alleviate to sensation. It did not do enough . Just think of all the eardrums which were wrecked by the loud noise. The future generations will be deaf sooner than us.
Next time just get up and move to another place...your health is more important .
I like the "keep a positive attitude and go with the flow",but if it is hurting you, you do not have to keep up. Yes,positive thoughts are better, less energy and helps with the wrinkles...I think. I guess that I have too many negative thoughts and worry too much...the wrinkles show it.
Remember Jules' comments about how she slipped away...you are you mother's daughter...you can do it also....just say that you are following in you mother's footsteps.

Kathleen

Recently my daughter was upset about having to attend a function. I'm hot, I'm tired, and I worked today. Rather than having a "let-down" factor, I always call it the "you can stand anything for 3 or 4 hours syndrome.

I can't remember how many times I repeated that you can stand...line to myself and to my children over the years.

That said sometimes it just doesn't work. The time for departure slips by and you are still there, starting to get anxious and upset, because the end time has come and gone.

Hooray for you, Kristin. You'd had enough and packed up ready to leave. It's difficult to feel kindly toward the person/persons who for whatever reason caused you to listen to more "chest noises" than you wanted to hear.

Everyday life changes and we must, if we're to survive and enjoy our hectic lives, change with it. You've given me much to think about with today's essay. But that, of course, is why I continue to come here and read your heartfelt words.

Merci mille fois, Madame.

You did a good job of articulating a condition many of us suffer through to different degrees. While it's good to learn to go with the flow, I believe it's also ok sometimes to just admit you've had enough and do what you need to do to make it better. It's ok to speak aloud the words that say you've reached your limits. You could say you're running to the house for the bathroom and will be back quickly or that you yourself will enjoy the concert from outside the walls of the ampitheater or whatever the situation warrants. I respect you for trying, though, not to carry the bad reaction through the night and into the next day. That's tough to do. I know because I suffer from that fault.

Kristen ----- I read your post and thought ---- I have been there! Sometimes, you just have to leave. I agree with most of the comments, esp. just knowing when things are bad - not to pretend it isn't. Or to put glossy words on it. Learn from it.

Your mom is very cool ---- I like how she handles situations. I love the idea of being prepared, then leave when you need to.

I always learn a lot when I read your column and the wonderful comments!

Merci beaucoup!

Kristin, you always make us think and then think again with your writings. That is what makes your words so special and valuable. Your mother just adds to them. Thank you to both of you.

Hi Kristin, I love your post today and completely relate. My family always acts like there is something seriously 'wrong' with me because I cannot stand the loud bass when they play music. They don't believe me when I tell them it physically make my head hurt, my heart pound too fast..just very physically uncomfortable! I, like you and your mother prefer to hear the soft sounds of nature whatever it may be at that moment.
What I'm trying to say is I really appreciate your story, it made me feel like I am not alone or 'insane' as my kids think I am.
And most of all, I so admire and love your mother....the letter she just wrote here to you made me tear up. I so love the beautiful friendship and relationship you two have. You are two of the most beautiful women I know of. Thanks Kristin. <3 PS...any plans to come back to Seattle? Sure would be fun to meet you again! :)

From what I regard as a man's perspective: it wouldn't occur to me to endure the agony of the loud noise, etc., I'd just say to my wife, "I'm out," and leave. Deference to the desires of others should only go so far. And as you get older and more easily discomforted, it's going to be harder to adhere to a do whatever others' want code of agreeableness. When you've got to pee is not the time to try to invoke positive thoughts. If you aren't the sort of person who easily keeps track of where the car is parked (that's how I am, too), get a GPS app for your smartphone that let's you find the car. And consider driving home alone if you've made it clear that you'll wait no longer than 10 minutes before departing.

Dear Kristin -- I struggle with this all the time. I truly believe you can change your life as you change your thoughts, but changing a lifetime of negative self-talk is indeed a formidable challenge. Well worth it, though! As I work on changing my own mindset, I'll send positive thoughts your way, too!

Kristin, you so aptly described those things we do because they are helpful or necessary to someone else, but uncomfortable and less than pleasant to ourselves. I once had a classic Freudian slip when i was asked to do such a thing--i cheerfully responded, "Of course! No pleasure! My problem!" ha! my problem indeed. sheesh.

Bon jour, Kristin. I so enjoyed your post, comme toujours. I too struggle with une attitude negatif! Bonne chance with your efforts to retrain your thinking. :)

http://marilyndujour.wordpress.com/2013/03/16/an-anxious-mind/

Marilyn, Orlando

Dear Kristi, Your experience, or better yet, your reaction to the experience so could have been me.

I suffered a frontal lobe brain injury (to both lobes) 5 years ago and while things are working to rewire, there are things that I still don't do well...a rash change in plans is one and unpleasant surprises is the other...o I dearly empathize with you.

When faced with these experiences, I recognize the reaction by the tightness in my chest. I try to change my physical state by deep breathing to relax my body and often find the breathing helps to shake-out some of the thoughts or at least rearrange them and put them into better perspective.

For so long after my accident my reactions were so unsettling. I had a nerf ball that I threw across the room in frustration. I am happy to say it only sits on my desk as a reminder of days gone by.

Your photo is excellent, Kristin, and I failed to mention what I noticed earlier. Your scar is not a scar, but a purposefully placed "I" .. reserved only for those with extraordinary "Intelligence"... and its' placement also qualifies it to be a "Third Eye" .. which elevates you to even higher status! Aloha, Bill

Kristin dear...

I'm not so sure your "disappointment" was due only to the concert. Perhaps it's
the surgery, the husband, the marriage,
the rigors of recovery, putting yourself last or maybe just life. Hmmm...

We all have setbacks.Breathe.Return to your
center and your voice. xo

I liked your focus on the essential moment - you were going home, leaving as you had wanted before the concert ended, so the issue was over but you were still angry, and you mastered that anger, stopped it from taking over and turned your attention to the moment -- going home with your husband after a night out with friends, a good moment overall. Very impressive.

You made the agreement to leave early, and did leave early, a wise move. You stated clearly that your husband did not hold up his end of the deal, as it needed to be said.

Well told story, well done harnessing of the energy from anger into energy for a sweet moment.

Thank you, dear friend, for in your sharing you offer insight into my own thoughts, and in situations such as the concert, my ensuing behavior. I can relate to this story (I seem to say this a lot!) and the “let down factor”. Next time, I hope to be aware of how I react when plans change and others aren’t on the same page as me.

I heard recently that an emotion only lasts for a very brief period. It is the story we create, the way our minds run away with the idea of being wronged, that creates our suffering. We, and our loved ones, have much to gain if we can reframe and come from a place of love and compassion.

I will also take a page from Jules’ book, for her wise suggestion would greatly add to my comfort in social settings. To embrace our needs and take care of ourselves is a positive step in a beautiful direction. Jules, I just loved the visual “a concert of leaves falling upon our hats as we wander through the peaceful passages of a new memory”. Just Lovely!

Dear Kristi,

Thank you for sharing, and thank you for this comment box, so that I may share, too!

Your reflections remind me of my own visit to Arles, three years ago. My husband, two sons, and I decided to see a bull fight, as we were told that the matadors no longer kill the animals, and that the "fight" is merely for show.

We seated ourselves on the stone steps of the arena and watched the parade of dignitaries, the prancing of the horses, and the introduction of the beautifully costumed matadors.

When the first bull came out I was surprised at how young and small he was. He obviously had no idea why he was there or what was expected of him, and tried to get back in the pen. As that was impossible, he stood still, his tail swatting flies, until the matador provoked him enough. He lazily charged the red cape a few times. Eventually the matador pulled out the smaller spears and jabbed them into the bull's back. The bull started to bleed, and I started to worry.

I was horrified when the matador pulled out a much bigger sword and, with great ceremony, stabbed the sword into the bull between his shoulders. The sword exited the bull's rib cage. He fell, tried to get up, fell again, and then rested, slowly bleeding to death. Horses came and dragged his body away.

I thought I was going to be sick, and I could not stop crying. I told my husband that I understood if he and the boys wanted to stay, but I could not. We made plans to meet an hour later at the main entrance.

I spent the next hour wandering the small lanes and alleyways around the arena, taking photos of the shutters, doors, and windows of this colorful place. I tried to channel my heightened emotional state into those photographs, and later that year they were featured in a gallery here in Chicago.

There is no way that I would have been able to change my thoughts to more positive ones in that arena. I am all for the positive thinking that you've described above, but think that it applies mostly to those negative thoughts that swirl around us like flies, annoying and pesky and interfering with our productivity, but ultimately manageable. Self-doubt, procrastination, doing less than we are capable of - all of that can benefit from changing our thoughts.

But those bigger negative thoughts - emotional distress, pain, safety, trust... those require action. It is not on you to turn your husband's actions, which negatively impacted you, into something that is OK. It was not OK. You were jumping out of your skin in discomfort, waiting to escape the noise, ready for the comfort of home, and he was nowhere to be found. He is human - we all do things like this from time to time. Had I been your husband, I would not have been surprised to return to your seats and find out that you had left and would meet him at a certain place. He took care of his desires, you were entitled to act on yours.

That, I believe, would have been the truest way to do something positive with a very negative situation.

I am with Maxine and Maryann from New York on this one. Your true pain, the one from the heart, came from having been abandoned by J-M, who did not do what he said he would do, leaving you stranded in a very uncomfortable situation. Voicing your feelings to him was important. He should know he has been, however unwittingly, selfish. Never cover for another's mistakes. It makes for co-dependent relationships, and we all know where that is headed.

With respect to changing your typical thought patterns/resulting actions, it seems you did make that choice to basically "let it go" and not carry a grudge on into the evening or next day. ( But that didn't make it turn into a wonderful evening.) Having done that, J-M and you are in a position to discuss it, look towards ways of reconciling situations, and putting into place thoughtful plans of action in the future. One of which is to flippin DO what you say you are going to do, no exceptions. Unfortunately a key part of this is the alcohol. Sober, he may certainly have acted differently.

The final factor is: He is your, and you are his, b e l o v e d. This much we know is true. This underpinning will provide great energy for future happiness. We love you both dearly. Toujours.

Our thoughts are really what make us crazy. That is the monkey mind. If we can relax with the way things are, our thoughts will follow.

xoxo

Normally I read what folks write before making comments of my own. Sorry if the following is a duplication, but it's almost midnight, so this time I'll write before reading.

I struggle not to complain, especially without a good reason, or to be negative. It seems to come so naturally. What I've tried to do is to come up with something positive to offset negative thoughts. One can complain, say, about rain, but rain waters plants, cools the heat, etc. If we look we can usually find redeeming features in many things. I've found that trying to be at least a little "pro" things and not 100% "anti" takes effort, but puts one in a better frame of mind. I guess one could call that retraining one's brain.

It takes courage not to apologize automatically when that will appease the situation, when we know we haven't done anything wrong.

Today's post brings to mind the value in understanding personality preferences....known as Myers Briggs Type Indicator. Although a complicated theory which requires certification in order to administer and explain the process, the basic information can be easily understood. There are terrific book resources to reference MBTI, but there are also some Internet sites that are informative.

Understanding our individual type preferences and those of others can offer tremendous insight into our cognitive processes and how we function in the world. The MBTI. org website is probably the most "official" site but Google will bring up others that give fairly thorough explanations.

MBTI can take a person on an amazing journey in self-discovery if one is open to such a concept. I have worked with MBTI for 20 years, many of which have been illuminated by those light bulb moments students experienced. Understanding our comfort zones and learning to function outside those comfort zones can lead to great personal growth.

Once again, Kristin, you have touched the hearts and minds of your readers in a significant way. Thank you...

Somehow I would have thought that living where you do, the hazards of a rock concert in Arles would be well known and you and J-M could have developed a game plan before that night. At any rate, I think Jules has the right idea about dealing with stress. Politely excuse yourself and take a hike. Life is too short to endure that much pain. Let others stay if they choose, but get an agreement in advance that it's o.k. to leave when your limit has been reached.
Compromise is a wonderful thing and keeps us from a lot of unpleasantness in life.

I see you have received so many solid comments about changing your thinking. Perhaps it would be better titled, 'speaking up for yourself'. Trust that you were right in your feelings and the way the music sounded! It was up to JM to be a bit more sensitive and leave when you have had enough. You have extended yourself beyond so many difficult and long lasting jobs. I am working along with you to find a nice but firm way to say 'enough is enough'! Bless you for all your wonderful writing and sharing!

MY DARLING PRECIOUS FRIENDS HERE IN THE COMMENT BOX,

Somehow I started to become irriatated (sp? - gosh, I haven't used that word in a long time) after I read Carol's comment above regarding my SON JEAN-MARC'S behavior at the concert.

Sometimes I fall for Kristi's storyline in a negative way - she has been telling stories for over 40 years to me so I am qualified to openly judge her creativity in an honest and motherly way.

Kristi's musings of her take on life are just that - musings. Kristi is on her own path and thank God she is addressing some of the area's in her life that she allows to bring her pain.

But - I just CAN NOT allow this JEAN-MARC BASHING TO CONTINUE. This exercise in self improvement that Kristi brings out every once in a while is strictly about her - not about Jean-Marc. I have had to straighten Kristi out many times about bringing me or Jean-Marc into the mix of her mash-a-nations (sp???) regarding her 'state-of-mind' ---just try to remember the crap Kristi dishes out to me when I want to say hello to a stranger working in their garden. This in Kristi's mind is uncomfortable for her to endure - my God, what if they want to come back over to our house and hang over our fence....and on and on it goes.

Kristi carries alot of power on this unproductive trip she has been on in the past - and I am delighted that she is working through to find the sunshine on the otherside - but along the way there are going to be casualities, and Jean-Marc and I must stick together....so that's why I am ranting this morning.

I could write a story about JM and his experience regarding "The Concert' - but fortunately JM doesn't have an evil adgenda when he tries to bring Kristi out into the world of the living instead of letting her rot away in her overactive story-tellers mind.

Well - I guess I'll be on everybodys 'Shit List' after this -

Viva la Jean-Marc!!!!

XOXO

JULES

To me it sounded a bit harsh when Jules wrote that Kristin, if left to her own devices, would "rot away in her overactive story-tellers mind". Ouch! Have you heard of the book 'Quiet' by Susan Cain? It makes the argument that quiet and reflective people have so much to offer the world, and that we (I'm quiet too, the concert sounds like an ordeal to me) are often undervalued and made to feel somehow lacking by a world that values outgoing extroverts. I think it would be well worth having a look at this book, Kristin, it might help you to not feel that you must change your very lovely quiet and reflective nature to become more like your outgoing, social butterfly Mom. Then maybe pass it along to your mom and husband, to help them understand the needs and strengths of quiet-loving, reflective people and maybe ask themselves whether they really should push you to get out there and be more social. And Jules, Kristin asked people to offer their thoughts.

Kristin, You are such a beautiful person and crystal clear...there's no doubt in my mind that you are getting better and better, more beautiful inside and out as you grow older...like a fine wine. Don't be so hard on yourself. We love you just the way you are...ever believing in what's beautiful and best in yourself and others.

Hi. I'm a little baffled. I just started reading your blog. Your posting is heartfelt and very personal. I assume that your husband knows what you post and understands what you write and why you write it. So what's up with the person claiming to be your mother?

It seems to me that Kristen is "out going" and "social".. What about all those dinner parties?!

Wow, talk about opening a can of worms. First let me say that my admiration for both Kristi and her writing and her Mom are right up there at the very top of the list. And I think I would include JM's persona in there too. The story of the night's frustration was a treat. Especially for all of us who like to avoid those kinds of events. But to respond with such anger is beyond me. It was one event in a life time of stories and the fun of sharing La Vie Espinasse is unbeatable. Come-on, you fellow fans, accept the oops-es with the yeah's. Kristi is a growing and inspiring writer. God Bless her and thanks. The swim story proves it. The book when it comes out will be a winner.
How is Jackie's American experience going. Want to hear more!!!

Dear Marie D.

Each day following your above comment I have come back to try to understand what you were saying about me. I have come to the conclusion that you are that little girl at the end of the circle when secrets have been passed around in a game by the campfire. You have placed my comment about 'evil adgenda' in the wrong part of the story. Grow up! ...and play this game of life with some intelligence and integrity.

Sincerely,

Jules

Your story is so great for making one change their thoughts, and improving their life. I know exactly how you felt and I feel that way many times. Now I have a way out, thanks to you.